[Mick lets Barry talk it all out first, like always. Sometimes he reaches his own conclusions just from hearing his own thoughts out loud, although he still gives Mick credit for helping out even when Mick hasn't said a damn word. There's too much this time though, too many questions and too much second-guessing, and a lot of regret.
He doesn't answer for a few seconds after Barry falls silent again, then shrugs a little, feeling the rise and fall of the body pressed against his.]
Yeah.
[Of course that's not enough, but he does continue, slow and thoughtful.] 'S no such thing as meant to be feeling anything. But if you're asking whether or not you're allowed to be mad at yourself for screwing it up, yeah. You are.
[he's turns quiet at that, though the gradual untensing of his body likely makes it clear enough that his silence is a good thing right now. that he's thinking it through. accepting mick's answer as the right one.]
What if I never get to meet him? Being here changes thing, doesn't it?
[because here, he's learned so much about what the future holds. about the people he'll one day get to meet. what if, by simply knowing about it, those opportunities never come?
Being here changes the thing you want 'em to change. Dunno what else changes. Depends on what you're asking for.
[Mick, naturally, isn't about to change his incentive for any damn thing. He's getting Len back, that's the end of it. But Barry's learned so much since getting here, Mick can't help wondering if he's thinking about changing his own.]
You still working on what you were working on when you first got here?
[a quiet admission, and one he hasn't actually aired yet. the only people aware of the changes to his incentive are the representatives, and he hadn't really planned on sharing that information with anyone else. but mick hasn't been anyone else since the first night that barry felt comfortable enough to crawl into his bed. talking to the man is a lot easier than most would likely believe.]
I came here so I could find the man who killed my mom. But he's here, and I know I've already met him back home. [he has no idea whether mick will put the pieces together or not. but he wouldn't be surprised if he does.]
I changed my incentive because I'm not ready to go back yet.
[He's heard a few names being tossed around since getting here. But him making connections doesn't matter, it's Barry's incentive and Barry's reason for being here that they're talking about now. And Barry not wanting to go home yet.
Which, Mick realizes, he's actually pretty happy to hear about. He'd miss this, if Barry had decided to leave already. There's something restful about it, what it's turned into. Barry might assume he's the only one getting anything out of it, and he wouldn't be blamed for thinking that since Mick hasn't said a damn word about what it means to him. But he'd be wrong.]
Stick around. Might as well. You got time here. One of those places outside time, seems like. What's the new incentive?
[Is it rude to ask that? Maybe. But it's Mick, and this is Barry. They're rapidly approaching a point of asking each other just about anything.]
[the question has him hesitating, his body tensing for a brief moment. it isn't that he wants to hide what he's here for now. instead, it's simply because he knows that some of the people here who it affects won't be happy with him for the change. (there's nothing else he wants though. their happiness is enough for him.)
another moment, another careful breath, and he leans back just enough that he can see mick's face as he speaks. he doesn't want the man to be one of that number, so he needs to see his reaction.]
Don't be mad? [a faint, uncomfortable smile, and he finally adds--] Anything I earn here gets split five ways. You, Len, Lisa, Cisco, and Caitlin.
[The reaction is surprise, genuine surprise untempered by suspicion or anything else. That's what Barry wants? He's willing to go through all this and not get anything at the end?]
You really wanna do that? Not keep any of it for something you could change back home?
[From what he knows, there's a lot Barry might want to change. But this Barry hasn't gone through any of that yet, has he? He's just being damn selfless because it's what he does.]
[a shrug, and he settles back down again, this time with his arms folded on mick's chest, his head resting on top so he can keep looking at him. the decision to change his incentive had been an easy one; his refusal to lose the connections he'll one day form with those from their world had fueled the need to keep from altering his own future. this way, he won't change a thing for himself when he does finally return home.]
If I change something back home, I'm going to lose all of you. I'm too selfish to do that. [because naturally he sees it the complete opposite way to mick.] This way, I get to keep you all.
[Mick doesn't really have a ready answer to that. It isn't something he'd ever expected to hear, from anyone, let alone from Barry Allen. But then this Barry Allen isn't like the one he knows at home. This Barry Allen cares more about them than Mick could ever have predicted.
Enough that he isn't even thinking about any of his own problems that could be solved by this place. Nothing that's still coming, nothing he could head off by tweaking his incentive.]
Hell, kid.
[It's not much of an answer, but he isn't sure he could put into words what he thinks about a goddamn stupid selfless gesture like that.]
[he only gives mick a quick smile at his reaction. anyone else and he'd want to fill the silence that follows. would want to try and chase away any discomfort it may cause. but with mick, things are different, and have been for a while now. he doesn't see a reason to push for more from him. doesn't see a point to it. if mick has something to say, he'll say it.]
...how much are things going to change between us when I go back?
[it's a question that comes after a few minutes of silence. a thought that's been on his mind for weeks now. he knows that the rogues and the flash stand on opposite sides of the law. but after all they've built here between them, he doesn't know how to cope with the idea of viewing them as his enemies.]
[Telling it straight, like he always does. But he can't help tightening his arms a little, pulling the kid closer, more secure. He remembers what he'd been like back then, and he doesn't like the idea of Barry going up against past-Mick. Past-Mick is crazy, and is gonna do his damnedest to set him on fire.]
The guy you're gonna meet...he's not a nice guy. To him, you're a moving target. He's got his eye on the payoff, you're in the way, and he's gonna enjoy swatting you. ...sorry.
[he's silent, at first, taking his time to work out what to say in response to that. he'd known, of course, just how different the man he knows here is in comparison to the one that those from home had warned him about. but hearing it from mick himself-- he needs a moment.]
You've got nothing to apologize for. You're not him anymore.
[because despite his own reservations, despite the fact he was the one to ask in the first place, he knows it's a point that needs to be made. the mick he knows here isn't the same person he knows he'll meet when he goes home. and while the idea of losing all that they have here hurts, he refuses to believe it'll be anything other than a temporary loss. the rogues are too important to him now.]
When I go back, I don't want to remember this place. [which isn't quite what he means to say. but a moment spent shifting around to settle down properly, and he continues.] I can't risk changing anything. So if I go back, I want to forget this place. Just until we're all from the same time again though.
Yeah. Well. I remember him. I remember everything he did. Can't say I wouldn't do some of it again.
[But, he knows, nothing that would hurt Barry or anyone Barry cared about. Not now. And he's pretty sure Barry knows that, so he doesn't say it. That's what happens with them sometimes, they don't say it but it still gets said.
He's silent as Barry speaks, shifts, speaks again. It makes sense, better not to know what's coming if Barry doesn't want to change his own future, but a part of him still aches a little at Barry losing who he's become.]
Might be a while before that happens. Time's not so reliable these days. [But at the same time he's nodding, one hand spread out over Barry's back.] Yeah, I get it.
[doesn't matter if he has to stay here years until their timelines all line back up again. as long as there's a way to make sure that they can all return to the same world together, he'll stay however long he has to. he just isn't sure it's a sentiment shared by the others from their world. not when half of them don't even get along with each other.]
If I go back, it's only going to be so I can catch up with you guys. And I want to be able to promise you that nothing would change here if I do go, but... [even he isn't that naive. here, mick was a complete stranger to him when he arrived. he was free to build his own opinions of him, unaffected by all that would happen when he returns home.]
You need to promise me one thing. [his hold tightens around mick, his voice growing quieter.] If I come back and everything's changed, don't let me run? You guys are too important to me, and I don't-- I can't lose that because I'm being an idiot. Okay?
[Mick is silent for a long time, maybe long enough that Barry doesn't think he's going to answer. But finally he shifts and tugs a little to get Barry to look up, to look at him. This is tearing Barry up a little, having to pick between going home and living his life like he should be, or staying here and keeping what he's already got.]
Look, kid. ...Barry. 'M not telling you what to do. Don't make it a promise. But if you head home and come back here, and you don't remember...yeah. We'll remind you. I'll remind you. You're crew now, you ain't running anywhere.
[he waits silently, because that's what they do. sometimes words don't come as easily as either of them would like, but that's never meant that they've ignored anything the other person has said. it's why he's able to wait it out. why he knows that mick isn't going to dismiss his words.
though there's still a strain of doubt that briefly rises when mick finally does start to speak again. thankfully it's gone by the point he stops.]
That's enough for me. [whether it's a promise or not, knowing that mick will still be there if he does leave. that he won't give up on him-- it's enough because it has to be.] You're family. It just might take a while for me to remember that.
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He doesn't answer for a few seconds after Barry falls silent again, then shrugs a little, feeling the rise and fall of the body pressed against his.]
Yeah.
[Of course that's not enough, but he does continue, slow and thoughtful.] 'S no such thing as meant to be feeling anything. But if you're asking whether or not you're allowed to be mad at yourself for screwing it up, yeah. You are.
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What if I never get to meet him? Being here changes thing, doesn't it?
[because here, he's learned so much about what the future holds. about the people he'll one day get to meet. what if, by simply knowing about it, those opportunities never come?
...what if he never gets to meet the rogues?]
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[Mick, naturally, isn't about to change his incentive for any damn thing. He's getting Len back, that's the end of it. But Barry's learned so much since getting here, Mick can't help wondering if he's thinking about changing his own.]
You still working on what you were working on when you first got here?
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[a quiet admission, and one he hasn't actually aired yet. the only people aware of the changes to his incentive are the representatives, and he hadn't really planned on sharing that information with anyone else. but mick hasn't been anyone else since the first night that barry felt comfortable enough to crawl into his bed. talking to the man is a lot easier than most would likely believe.]
I came here so I could find the man who killed my mom. But he's here, and I know I've already met him back home. [he has no idea whether mick will put the pieces together or not. but he wouldn't be surprised if he does.]
I changed my incentive because I'm not ready to go back yet.
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Which, Mick realizes, he's actually pretty happy to hear about. He'd miss this, if Barry had decided to leave already. There's something restful about it, what it's turned into. Barry might assume he's the only one getting anything out of it, and he wouldn't be blamed for thinking that since Mick hasn't said a damn word about what it means to him. But he'd be wrong.]
Stick around. Might as well. You got time here. One of those places outside time, seems like. What's the new incentive?
[Is it rude to ask that? Maybe. But it's Mick, and this is Barry. They're rapidly approaching a point of asking each other just about anything.]
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another moment, another careful breath, and he leans back just enough that he can see mick's face as he speaks. he doesn't want the man to be one of that number, so he needs to see his reaction.]
Don't be mad? [a faint, uncomfortable smile, and he finally adds--] Anything I earn here gets split five ways. You, Len, Lisa, Cisco, and Caitlin.
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You really wanna do that? Not keep any of it for something you could change back home?
[From what he knows, there's a lot Barry might want to change. But this Barry hasn't gone through any of that yet, has he? He's just being damn selfless because it's what he does.]
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If I change something back home, I'm going to lose all of you. I'm too selfish to do that. [because naturally he sees it the complete opposite way to mick.] This way, I get to keep you all.
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Enough that he isn't even thinking about any of his own problems that could be solved by this place. Nothing that's still coming, nothing he could head off by tweaking his incentive.]
Hell, kid.
[It's not much of an answer, but he isn't sure he could put into words what he thinks about a goddamn stupid selfless gesture like that.]
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...how much are things going to change between us when I go back?
[it's a question that comes after a few minutes of silence. a thought that's been on his mind for weeks now. he knows that the rogues and the flash stand on opposite sides of the law. but after all they've built here between them, he doesn't know how to cope with the idea of viewing them as his enemies.]
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[Telling it straight, like he always does. But he can't help tightening his arms a little, pulling the kid closer, more secure. He remembers what he'd been like back then, and he doesn't like the idea of Barry going up against past-Mick. Past-Mick is crazy, and is gonna do his damnedest to set him on fire.]
The guy you're gonna meet...he's not a nice guy. To him, you're a moving target. He's got his eye on the payoff, you're in the way, and he's gonna enjoy swatting you. ...sorry.
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You've got nothing to apologize for. You're not him anymore.
[because despite his own reservations, despite the fact he was the one to ask in the first place, he knows it's a point that needs to be made. the mick he knows here isn't the same person he knows he'll meet when he goes home. and while the idea of losing all that they have here hurts, he refuses to believe it'll be anything other than a temporary loss. the rogues are too important to him now.]
When I go back, I don't want to remember this place. [which isn't quite what he means to say. but a moment spent shifting around to settle down properly, and he continues.] I can't risk changing anything. So if I go back, I want to forget this place. Just until we're all from the same time again though.
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[But, he knows, nothing that would hurt Barry or anyone Barry cared about. Not now. And he's pretty sure Barry knows that, so he doesn't say it. That's what happens with them sometimes, they don't say it but it still gets said.
He's silent as Barry speaks, shifts, speaks again. It makes sense, better not to know what's coming if Barry doesn't want to change his own future, but a part of him still aches a little at Barry losing who he's become.]
Might be a while before that happens. Time's not so reliable these days. [But at the same time he's nodding, one hand spread out over Barry's back.] Yeah, I get it.
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[doesn't matter if he has to stay here years until their timelines all line back up again. as long as there's a way to make sure that they can all return to the same world together, he'll stay however long he has to. he just isn't sure it's a sentiment shared by the others from their world. not when half of them don't even get along with each other.]
If I go back, it's only going to be so I can catch up with you guys. And I want to be able to promise you that nothing would change here if I do go, but... [even he isn't that naive. here, mick was a complete stranger to him when he arrived. he was free to build his own opinions of him, unaffected by all that would happen when he returns home.]
You need to promise me one thing. [his hold tightens around mick, his voice growing quieter.] If I come back and everything's changed, don't let me run? You guys are too important to me, and I don't-- I can't lose that because I'm being an idiot. Okay?
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Look, kid. ...Barry. 'M not telling you what to do. Don't make it a promise. But if you head home and come back here, and you don't remember...yeah. We'll remind you. I'll remind you. You're crew now, you ain't running anywhere.
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though there's still a strain of doubt that briefly rises when mick finally does start to speak again. thankfully it's gone by the point he stops.]
That's enough for me. [whether it's a promise or not, knowing that mick will still be there if he does leave. that he won't give up on him-- it's enough because it has to be.] You're family. It just might take a while for me to remember that.